[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
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[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…