*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
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Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
My safe word is Worcestershire
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut