*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
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When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this