I painted a hot chick with big jugs
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ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.