Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
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oh u like geography? name every lake
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?