[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
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You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.