Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
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Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”