Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
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If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Stonehinge
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
the clam before the storm
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat