Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
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The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”