Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
You Might Also Like
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…