You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
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[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone