If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
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[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato