I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
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I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm