Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
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when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I only treason on days ending in y
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?