TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”