“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
You Might Also Like
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted