Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
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If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Taliband
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.