Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
You Might Also Like
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.