I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
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I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample