i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
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What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.