My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
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just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork