GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
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[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
BaD BoY!!
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour