I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
You Might Also Like
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.