Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
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Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
WWE is French for “yes”
How it started How it’s going
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”