The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
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wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE