[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
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I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.