Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
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My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*