Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
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If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
wow he looks just like him
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
this post was so formative to me
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.