I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
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I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.