@BillFienberg

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

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@MrSpoonicorn

*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd

@THEDUTHCHESS

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

@thefurlinator

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

@patrickoriley

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

@Average_Dad1

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

@AngelaEhh

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

@SCbchbum

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

@BuckyIsotope

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

@XplodingUnicorn

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer