If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
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Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*