Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
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*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”