When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
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If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.