me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
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(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Favourite diary entry ever