6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
You Might Also Like
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.