[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
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My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
my proudest tweet
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please