a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
You Might Also Like
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.