I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
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When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.