Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
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I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Chicken bread
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.