Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
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[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
good let them take over I have had enough
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.