DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
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stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
This classic never gets old . . .
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
😏😏😏
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself