Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
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Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
oh my god
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.