here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
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my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*