here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

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If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.


I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.


“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb


I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…


I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?


It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..


Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.


If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.