Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

Had an epiphany today.

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”