@nedroid

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

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@Jason_Horton

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

@Stellacopter

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

@iwearaonesie

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

@Clanopath

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

@weinerdog4life

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

@JackeeHarry

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

@Gelatin_Cyborg

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

@BGH70

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.