You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
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My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.