every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
You Might Also Like
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out