every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
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peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Um … Hot Wings please
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Looking at you, Jesus.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
He’s cranky this morning
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My dad teaching me to drive
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
they really do be looking like this
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.