IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
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My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Investing in beetcoin
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.