This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
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Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”