how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
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Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.