how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
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I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.