Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
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I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore