[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
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My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I created you as mosquito food.
some Old Testament wisdom
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.